| postsecret. |
[Monday 12:29pm January 26th] |
Oh fuck. I know it is not for me, but its existence is enough. I am breaking up with him and going to visit another him...
I love postsecret.
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| We turned up the country radio |
[Monday 2:45pm January 12th] |
JUST FREAKING SAY IT!
Its been up and down for the past few weeks.
I am now dating him, yes, dating and I have yet to tell anyone this?
But I continue to be scared shitless and often think about running away.
And this other fellow is in my head, and its so dumb, I thought I left that behind.
Mexico was nice but already I feel like I need to get away. Everyone is on a roadtrip. I want to have one.
I need a new freaking job, god damn archives.
I got straight A's!! :)
I finally got a record player and it is functional and amazing. I have been spending some quality time with Neil Young, Appleseed Cast and Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska. very nice.
the end. hah
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[Monday 2:29am December 1st] |
"allie allie allergy"
Oh man. He misses me and that makes me feel so good inside- in the least selfish way. He has invited me to new mexico twice now. intriguing
so much homework, but the semester is almost over and then MEXICO! Yes, I will be laying on a beach drinking large amounts of booze from Christmas to New Years and I am so entirely excited you don't even know.
Thanksgiving was lovely, I really appreciate my family but I don't realize it enough. It was refreshing to just be goofy with everyone.
There are moments when I really like this fellow but then also moments when I feel like I am only filling a void, but I suppose these moments can be the same thing too, right?
I need to learn to write better, I want to take a class or something but I already have too many classes and I am going to drive myself batty, as always...
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| ob-la-di, ob-la-da. Life goes on. |
[Wednesday 12:13am October 22nd] |
a year ago from this moment- I had just recently buzzed my head.
What else has changed you may ask- well...
- I am now the ripe old age of twenty (more accurately...twenty and half)
- I don't live in a dorm but a townhouse that my roommates and I have to clean and care for.
- I like to think that I try harder in school- but thats probably a load of bullshit.
- I've learned more about myself and with that my depression is more under control.
- I've moved on from him- or kinda moved on...mostly moved on.
- I am more independent- a lot more.
- I gained some weight...because thats all that really matters in life.
- I am more certain about what I want to do but certain is still used very loosely.
- more that I cannot think of, at the same time I am still so the same silly girl as I always have been.
I am unsure where all this nostalgia came from.
I love halloween, it is probably my favorite holiday. I think I am being bjork in the swan dress- a few years later but she is still awesome so I am sure it will be fine. It was either that or a nun, a nod to john carroll. hah.
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[Friday 10:43pm September 12th] |
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people tend to fit together.
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| twenty-teen |
[Saturday 12:12pm April 19th] |
Yesterday was my birthday; I am twenty years old.
I have been on this earth for two decades...damn.
Time is definitely moving forward and this makes me worried my mind is not. I just got an awful feeling of longing towards an individual who is gone, and will always be gone and yet he is still in my head. The thoughts need to leave. I don't want to see him when he comes back...I really don't. The bit that I have left behind is going to come back even more fiercely, no good.
This other boy throws me through loops. I cannot make a decision either way on him, I don't like being this impartial. I suppose thats the red flag of the situation. I told him how I feel but he doesn't feel the same, it will only continue to get worse. But I continue? Selfish.
There is a townhouse; I want it so badly, but I am going to have to work hard as shit for it. I think that will be the most rewarding aspect and it will have my own room. Hotchacha!
Dumb boy made me feel smart. I don't know if it is an impressive thing but it made me feel good.
Things are too easy sometimes, people are too nice. I feel as though I don't deserve it. I get so frustrated and yet I will always accept things because I want them. Selfish. Quite a theme.
I have so much work to do and I am not doing anything...ugh.
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| sew buttons. |
[Saturday 9:32pm March 22nd] |
I just got back from the road trip of a lifetime...well. Road trip of the year.
Went to Boston, New York, Bethlehem(yes. PA) and Philadelphia. It changed my life, so stressful but so awesome.
I need to move, I need to live in a city and I need to do it all by myself.
Ok- other news.
1. He called, I did not answer and I don't think I will call him back.
2. I have such a lame ass crush on someone who I will miss dearly.
3. My hair is such an awkward length.
4. I am harboring contempt for someone I ought to not, I hate it, I want it to stop.
5. I am fat as fuck and need to work out.haha
I am going to Florence May 30 till June 21...then moving into a house in Towson, or Baltimore city.
I hope to go to Germany too but I think I may need to save for another year for that.
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[Thursday 12:02am February 21st] |
the funeral was hard, really hard in fact.
school is becoming overwhelming.
work is too long for not enough pay.
but my social life has been fun, least on weekends. that counts.
I've been making cute outfits...and lots of makeup. thats all you need. hah.
He called me on valentines day, but I am more than 'him.'
ugh. I am waiting to hear from Walters, and if no internship I hope to travel to Florence or make money for the year to come. I am unsure still.
P.S. I am going to get a wizard tattoo for him (a much different him). I want him to be little and cute. I am thinking behind my ear. That would be a nice place for it.
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[Monday 12:12am February 4th] |
its so up and down.
better. but just as much as it gets better it can be that worse.
I am silly. I'm learning.
I miss him.
Its going to be a tough semester.
I'm so ready to leave, to go.
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[Tuesday 9:35pm January 22nd] |
My grandmother died this morning.
I never returned her phone calls.
I don't know what my grandfather is going to do.
I am weirded out.
so did Heath Ledger.
he was gorgeous.
minimester is over. Three days off. Woo.
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[Saturday 9:53pm January 19th] |
my head hurts. I've been sick for like a week and a half now.
Minimester is almost done just to start another spring semester. Oh school in all of its wonder.
I've been having panic attacks. not cool.
Retail therapy helps. I hate that it helps.
I am working on 'cognative restructuring.' I am changing habits. changing thoughts. changing allie.
Its all a cycle anyway...I'm never the same but never very different. I like it that way.
frumpy to classy is the most recent move.
I have banished my huge gray goodwill sweater, it was pulling me down. It will return, it too lives in a cycle.
man- who knows whats going on anymore.
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[Saturday 2:30pm December 22nd] |
this week is moving so god damn slow.
Last night was the 'bye.'
He drove all the way to pasadena to see me.
I miss him already cause I am so lame.
I'll see him again.
christmas is soon. I don't feel like interacting with people at all.
I really want to be a hermit without any attachments whatsoever.
does this make me depressed or just slightly antisocial?
my head moves too fast for me.
I miss him.
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[Sunday 1:12pm November 25th] |
I'm never going to have that back- you stole it from me.
Never will it be the same and I blame you for that.
I blame you.
all I want to do is scream at you but i know I will never have the opportunity.
I hope it is different for her. I hope so hard for her, I hate what you did to me.
You took it from me, I hate you for that...I hate you for so much.
why didn't you see me there?
as much as I want you to here this; I don't want you to read this.
you don't need to know...
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[Friday 1:14pm November 23rd] |
uhm. shit is kinda the same. I am trying to be proactive...trying....
I am having fun...I dunno what to do otherwise.
I saw weird people last night. Mixed emotions all around.
this is a useless entry.
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[Sunday 6:17pm November 4th] |
alright so...
I've been skipping classes like crazy, but doing my work slowly but surely. I need a topic for my northern renaissance art history class. If only rembrandt was a few years earlier.
Things have been so up and down I cannot even classify anything. As for this specific weekend, Stevie D was in town and got to hang with his lovely face. :) But the rest of the weekend was a little shakey- today was adorable though.
"What are you doing to me? I'm jonesing." uhhhhh?
We are down to about a month and a half, I am not going to waste anymore.
Yeah- its not concrete but it is real. Thats all I need.
I'm excited for shelly blake's show next next saturday. Complete with Eve and joel, people that I need to really make friends with. They are very cool people.
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[Sunday 6:19pm October 21st] |
alright. I have talked to my mom, slightly.
I am working on planning future things. I think I may do my study abroad in spring and in turn get an apartment in London for either 6 months of 12 months and go from there. After the study abroad ten week semester I will be graduated with a secure apartment in London to live for atleast another 3 months.
I can still look into graduate schools and all that good stuff but I would be living in London, on my own, in a "flat." haaaaaa.
I don't know. Everything is always changing, its hard to plan. sigh. I just made myself really excited though and I needed to write it down.
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[Tuesday 11:58pm October 9th] |
fuck-fuck fuck fuck.
I am upset, yet again.
he smelled good. hah.
fuck. I can be so fine then I can't. Its really fucking tiresome.
I don't need people, I don't...or I need to keep telling myself that.
fuck.
fuck.
kjhfdkhsdfiurnasdlfskjsdfkudfuvjlk.
that sums it up I suppose.
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[Sunday 1:03pm September 9th] |
I do believe I am depressed. Funny how I can write that in an open blog online and cannot say it outloud to my friends. thats kinda odd.
I don't know. I do know I will be ok. I know things get hard, I just am a mess right now. I don't really know what to think about certain situations and other situations I just don't want to think about.
Everything is difficult now- I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like anything.
I'm loosing it, I am always loosing it. there cannot be much 'it' left.
And still, what I want and what I ought to do are opposites fighting in my head constantly.
fuck 'em all. haha.
I need to escape. E.S.C.A.P.E.
please.
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[Friday 12:51pm August 24th] |
so my head and my heart continue to battle for the use of my body and it is really fucking me up.
I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do and they are very opposite things...very.
Ugh-I am getting to that point for frustration where I really just want to disappear. My emotional life is draining me and then physically I have to always be there for my friends. I am always there when someone needs me and I am tired of it.
I don't ask for much, I really don't need people but I want some sort of exchange for all my kindness.
it would seem that I put other people before myself and I have done this so long that I don't even know how to be good to myself. No one else is going to look out for me- thats supposed to be me job.
I need to disappear, I also want to disappear. Atleast these goals are consistent with each other.
humph. :(
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[Tuesday 2:36pm August 7th] |
I'm losing it-again.
I'm a dummy.
I'm embaressed.
I know what I need to do just doing it is so hard. I am so bothered.
I give up right now...wait until winter. I look cuter in winter. hahaa
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