I bet you're not pretty on the inside.

postsecret.

2009-01-26T17:31:26Z

Oh fuck. I know it is not for me, but its existence is enough. I am breaking up with him and going to visit another him...

I love postsecret.

We turned up the country radio

2009-01-12T19:52:24Z

JUST FREAKING SAY IT!

Its been up and down for the past few weeks.
I am now dating him, yes, dating and I have yet to tell anyone this?
But I continue to be scared shitless and often think about running away.
And this other fellow is in my head, and its so dumb, I thought I left that behind.

Mexico was nice but already I feel like I need to get away. Everyone is on a roadtrip. I want to have one.

I need a new freaking job, god damn archives.

I got straight A's!! :)

I finally got a record player and it is functional and amazing. I have been spending some quality time with Neil Young, Appleseed Cast and Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska. very nice.

the end. hah

lookitsallie @ 2008-12-01T02:29:00

2008-12-01T07:33:56Z

"allie allie allergy"

Oh man. He misses me and that makes me feel so good inside- in the least selfish way. He has invited me to new mexico twice now. intriguing

so much homework, but the semester is almost over and then MEXICO! Yes, I will be laying on a beach drinking large amounts of booze from Christmas to New Years and I am so entirely excited you don't even know.

Thanksgiving was lovely, I really appreciate my family but I don't realize it enough. It was refreshing to just be goofy with everyone.

There are moments when I really like this fellow but then also moments when I feel like I am only filling a void, but I suppose these moments can be the same thing too, right?

I need to learn to write better, I want to take a class or something but I already have too many classes and I am going to drive myself batty, as always...

ob-la-di, ob-la-da. Life goes on.

2008-10-22T04:22:52Z

a year ago from this moment- I had just recently buzzed my head.

What else has changed you may ask- well...

- I am now the ripe old age of twenty (more accurately...twenty and half)
- I don't live in a dorm but a townhouse that my roommates and I have to clean and care for.
- I like to think that I try harder in school- but thats probably a load of bullshit.
- I've learned more about myself and with that my depression is more under control.
- I've moved on from him- or kinda moved on...mostly moved on.
- I am more independent- a lot more.
- I gained some weight...because thats all that really matters in life.
- I am more certain about what I want to do but certain is still used very loosely.
- more that I cannot think of, at the same time I am still so the same silly girl as I always have been.

I am unsure where all this nostalgia came from.

I love halloween, it is probably my favorite holiday. I think I am being bjork in the swan dress- a few years later but she is still awesome so I am sure it will be fine. It was either that or a nun, a nod to john carroll. hah.

lookitsallie @ 2008-09-12T22:43:00

2008-09-13T02:44:54Z

people tend to fit together.

twenty-teen

2008-04-19T16:40:30Z

Yesterday was my birthday; I am twenty years old.

I have been on this earth for two decades...damn.

Time is definitely moving forward and this makes me worried my mind is not. I just got an awful feeling of longing towards an individual who is gone, and will always be gone and yet he is still in my head. The thoughts need to leave. I don't want to see him when he comes back...I really don't. The bit that I have left behind is going to come back even more fiercely, no good.

This other boy throws me through loops. I cannot make a decision either way on him, I don't like being this impartial. I suppose thats the red flag of the situation. I told him how I feel but he doesn't feel the same, it will only continue to get worse. But I continue? Selfish.

There is a townhouse; I want it so badly, but I am going to have to work hard as shit for it. I think that will be the most rewarding aspect and it will have my own room. Hotchacha!

Dumb boy made me feel smart. I don't know if it is an impressive thing but it made me feel good.

Things are too easy sometimes, people are too nice. I feel as though I don't deserve it. I get so frustrated and yet I will always accept things because I want them. Selfish. Quite a theme.

I have so much work to do and I am not doing anything...ugh.

sew buttons.

2008-03-23T01:37:30Z

I just got back from the road trip of a lifetime...well. Road trip of the year.

Went to Boston, New York, Bethlehem(yes. PA) and Philadelphia. It changed my life, so stressful but so awesome.

I need to move, I need to live in a city and I need to do it all by myself.

Ok- other news.
1. He called, I did not answer and I don't think I will call him back.
2. I have such a lame ass crush on someone who I will miss dearly.
3. My hair is such an awkward length.
4. I am harboring contempt for someone I ought to not, I hate it, I want it to stop.
5. I am fat as fuck and need to work out.haha

I am going to Florence May 30 till June 21...then moving into a house in Towson, or Baltimore city.
I hope to go to Germany too but I think I may need to save for another year for that.

lookitsallie @ 2008-02-21T00:02:00

2008-02-21T05:04:39Z

the funeral was hard, really hard in fact.
school is becoming overwhelming.
work is too long for not enough pay.

but my social life has been fun, least on weekends. that counts.
I've been making cute outfits...and lots of makeup. thats all you need. hah.

He called me on valentines day, but I am more than 'him.'

ugh. I am waiting to hear from Walters, and if no internship I hope to travel to Florence or make money for the year to come. I am unsure still.

P.S. I am going to get a wizard tattoo for him (a much different him). I want him to be little and cute. I am thinking behind my ear. That would be a nice place for it.

lookitsallie @ 2008-02-04T00:12:00

2008-02-04T05:14:13Z

its so up and down.
better. but just as much as it gets better it can be that worse.

I am silly. I'm learning.

I miss him.

Its going to be a tough semester.
I'm so ready to leave, to go.

lookitsallie @ 2008-01-22T21:35:00

2008-01-23T02:41:47Z

My grandmother died this morning.
I never returned her phone calls.
I don't know what my grandfather is going to do.
I am weirded out.

so did Heath Ledger.
he was gorgeous.

minimester is over. Three days off. Woo.

lookitsallie @ 2008-01-19T21:53:00

2008-01-20T02:59:01Z

my head hurts. I've been sick for like a week and a half now.

Minimester is almost done just to start another spring semester. Oh school in all of its wonder.

I've been having panic attacks. not cool.

Retail therapy helps. I hate that it helps.

I am working on 'cognative restructuring.' I am changing habits. changing thoughts. changing allie.

Its all a cycle anyway...I'm never the same but never very different. I like it that way.

frumpy to classy is the most recent move.
I have banished my huge gray goodwill sweater, it was pulling me down. It will return, it too lives in a cycle.

man- who knows whats going on anymore.

lookitsallie @ 2007-12-22T14:30:00

2007-12-22T19:32:19Z

this week is moving so god damn slow.

Last night was the 'bye.'
He drove all the way to pasadena to see me.
I miss him already cause I am so lame.
I'll see him again.

christmas is soon. I don't feel like interacting with people at all.
I really want to be a hermit without any attachments whatsoever.

does this make me depressed or just slightly antisocial?

my head moves too fast for me.
I miss him.

lookitsallie @ 2007-11-25T13:12:00

2007-11-25T18:16:03Z

I'm never going to have that back- you stole it from me.
Never will it be the same and I blame you for that.
I blame you.

all I want to do is scream at you but i know I will never have the opportunity.
I hope it is different for her. I hope so hard for her, I hate what you did to me.

You took it from me, I hate you for that...I hate you for so much.

why didn't you see me there?

as much as I want you to here this; I don't want you to read this.
you don't need to know...

lookitsallie @ 2007-11-23T13:14:00

2007-11-23T18:16:32Z

uhm. shit is kinda the same. I am trying to be proactive...trying....

I am having fun...I dunno what to do otherwise.

I saw weird people last night. Mixed emotions all around.

this is a useless entry.

lookitsallie @ 2007-11-04T18:17:00

2007-11-04T23:22:26Z

alright so...

I've been skipping classes like crazy, but doing my work slowly but surely. I need a topic for my northern renaissance art history class. If only rembrandt was a few years earlier.

Things have been so up and down I cannot even classify anything. As for this specific weekend, Stevie D was in town and got to hang with his lovely face. :) But the rest of the weekend was a little shakey- today was adorable though.

"What are you doing to me? I'm jonesing." uhhhhh?
We are down to about a month and a half, I am not going to waste anymore.
Yeah- its not concrete but it is real. Thats all I need.

I'm excited for shelly blake's show next next saturday. Complete with Eve and joel, people that I need to really make friends with. They are very cool people.

lookitsallie @ 2007-10-21T18:19:00

2007-10-21T22:23:29Z

alright. I have talked to my mom, slightly.

I am working on planning future things. I think I may do my study abroad in spring and in turn get an apartment in London for either 6 months of 12 months and go from there. After the study abroad ten week semester I will be graduated with a secure apartment in London to live for atleast another 3 months.

I can still look into graduate schools and all that good stuff but I would be living in London, on my own, in a "flat." haaaaaa.

I don't know. Everything is always changing, its hard to plan. sigh. I just made myself really excited though and I needed to write it down.

lookitsallie @ 2007-10-09T23:58:00

2007-10-10T04:00:21Z

fuck-fuck fuck fuck.
I am upset, yet again.

he smelled good. hah.
fuck. I can be so fine then I can't. Its really fucking tiresome.

I don't need people, I don't...or I need to keep telling myself that.
fuck.

fuck.
kjhfdkhsdfiurnasdlfskjsdfkudfuvjlk.
that sums it up I suppose.

lookitsallie @ 2007-09-09T13:03:00

2007-09-09T17:05:42Z

I do believe I am depressed. Funny how I can write that in an open blog online and cannot say it outloud to my friends. thats kinda odd.

I don't know. I do know I will be ok. I know things get hard, I just am a mess right now. I don't really know what to think about certain situations and other situations I just don't want to think about.

Everything is difficult now- I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like anything.

I'm loosing it, I am always loosing it. there cannot be much 'it' left.

And still, what I want and what I ought to do are opposites fighting in my head constantly.
fuck 'em all. haha.

I need to escape. E.S.C.A.P.E.
please.

lookitsallie @ 2007-08-24T12:51:00

2007-08-24T16:55:38Z

so my head and my heart continue to battle for the use of my body and it is really fucking me up.

I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do and they are very opposite things...very.

Ugh-I am getting to that point for frustration where I really just want to disappear. My emotional life is draining me and then physically I have to always be there for my friends. I am always there when someone needs me and I am tired of it.

I don't ask for much, I really don't need people but I want some sort of exchange for all my kindness.

it would seem that I put other people before myself and I have done this so long that I don't even know how to be good to myself. No one else is going to look out for me- thats supposed to be me job.

I need to disappear, I also want to disappear. Atleast these goals are consistent with each other.

humph. :(

lookitsallie @ 2007-08-07T14:36:00

2007-08-07T18:37:32Z

I'm losing it-again.
I'm a dummy.
I'm embaressed.

I know what I need to do just doing it is so hard. I am so bothered.
I give up right now...wait until winter. I look cuter in winter. hahaa

lookitsallie @ 2007-07-24T14:32:00

2007-07-24T18:39:34Z

I don't know if I am worse- it is just more real now.

I cannot stop crying actually. It hurts alot. Its really hard.
relationships are painful. they have to end and on that day they suck.

He told me to do what I want. I want him. I don't know why though. I don't know why I cannot just act in the manner he is acting, I need a label and reasons. He is just ducking from the responsibilities and I don't like that. I am writing too much in this lame journal.

I hurt alot. I won't to stop. He isn't worrying about it. I shouldn't be either.
He told me I am his best friend and he wants to be mine.
I feel like I cannot have a best friend anymore- I can't tell any single person how I feel all the time, I always censor myself, always. I want to be able to say how I feel and I can't.

I want to tell him. I don't know what to do anymore, what do I want?

lookitsallie @ 2007-07-23T13:27:00

2007-07-23T17:31:33Z

I' awful. I don't know whats going on and it is getting to my head.

There are moments when I miss him and want him so badly, then other moments when I am so fine with it. It is his lose, I am here now.

Whatever. I have the house to myself but 90% of my friends have work everyday or classes or are at the beach and its upseting. Last break up I lived with my friends for a few weeks.

Well. break up might not be the word yet.
I don't know. I am lost, and my emotions have been so high that I am starting to become jaded. Never a good feeling.

I miss alot of things. I have lost myself, this is when I fall apart a little bit. I will be ok but it will be a bit of ugly for a bit. I loose my normal, when I don't have a normal I loose myself. It makes sense in my head.

This is such a pointless entry. I think I may be a hermit for a while.

lookitsallie @ 2007-07-01T17:27:00

2007-07-01T21:29:37Z

I have problems.
I always have.

I am upset. seriously upset so often recently. I don't like it one bit.
I am tired of everything

I hate flaky people. I hate not being called back and I have not being able to call someone else.
this is really lame and I cannot stand it.

"be good to yourself."- thats what I need to learn.

eek. long time.

2007-06-02T01:58:37Z

uhm. Well. I finished my first year of college. Woo? Now I am in summer classes for the entire month of june. So- I am becoming a hermit for the month to reconnect with myself and just to be. I am just tired of interacting with people sometimes. I am better off by myself anyways....and as I write that in my head I go, "yeah right." haha. Luke is leaving for Ireland on monday. He'll be there for a week only to come home for a day and then spend 4 more days in NJ and PA. ...and that is when I will be upset that I am by myself. But I can handle it.

I really am learning. I still have my moments but they are so much less than they once were. I am tired of being entirely crazy. Semi-crazy works so much better for me. I am growing up. I am getting over insecurity, getting over my fears, getting over comparing myself to people, getting over alot. Its a really slow process though, and I definitely regress often.

I have just been in a such a good mood for a while now. I was loosing hope but once that was restored I feel as though everything just kind of fit into place. Everything is good and even when it is not- I handle it much better.

My grades were not the best, well not where I wanted them to be. But the classes I did not do so well in were ones I did not care about, it all makes sense I suppose. I hope to do well this summer session but there is so much work to be done, it is quite daunting.

I've been writing alot more, least trying to write more. After classes I hope to tear through a bunch of books before school starts again. I am not watching tv anymore and I am hardly on the internet so I should have plenty of time once I am not doing school work constantly.

Last night Luke and I walked around baltimore for almost two hours. It was wonderful. I have yet to hang out with Steve, I miss him.

there is probably more going on, it has been a while since I have written in this ma-gigger. Overall, my head hurts, I want a hollywood video card, I wanna party hard tomorrow and uhm. my feet are slightly sweaty. haha

lookitsallie @ 2007-05-09T00:40:00

2007-05-09T04:46:34Z

highly upset, more so distraught.

it should not bother me. It should not affect me at all- I don't like it- not even a little.

I thought it was over. why should I be worried? Its not like anything new. Why am I freaking out?

He asked what I thought- I could not even put it into words....it just got hard to smile. There is a lump in my throat right now and I don't want him to see it. He is right there, he wants to know. I cannot even fathom a response from myself, I want to burst out crying and hug him and just say, "no, stop."

its not that easy. it is his decision. I should not be mad, it was a part of him before I knew him then he stopped for "me" and its back. It is not something horrific, maybe I just don't want to hear about it.

it reminds me of that night. that night I was hear and he barely even knew my name....barely acknowledged me at all. He retreats into his head-leaving me by myself. He leaves me everytime. Thats why I am upset- that could be my response. But I cannot say that out loud....it is irrational.

I am irrational, thats why I am crazy. Irrational. Just like the other night- I felt alone then too.

I have problems...he should not have to be affected by them. I can hold it in, not well, not as well as other things but I can hold it in...I don't want to make him change anything for me. I want him to be himself, maybe thats just a part of him.